1. "Survivor," 7 p.m. Mondays -- And you thought eating rats and building huts was tough. The 10 contestants chosen for this soon-to-be hit -- which was adapted from a similar show, called "Comrade, Can I Get An Ear Plug?", a wild success in the former East Germany -- test their mettle at a 72-hour concert featuring everyone's favorite '80s anthem band. Participants will hear multiple renditions of hits like "Eye of the Tiger," "Can't Hold Back" and "Caught in the Game," and one concert-goer will be voted out of the stadium every 12 hours by the group (contestants who actively lobby to be voted out will be penalized an extra 12 hours of concert time). The last contestant remaining will win a month-long visit to the prestigious Palo Alto Hearing Research Center and lifetime supply of hearing aid batteries courtesy of sponsor Duracell.

2. "Who Wants to Be a Jordanaire?", 3:30 a.m. Saturdays -- Find out if you have the vocal chops to be a member of Elvis' legendary backup ensemble. Contestants will sing three numbers live on our soundstage with celebrated Elvis impersonator Tony "The King" Patrone, and will be judged by the studio audience and select panel of music critics (including DAA's own Tim Frommer!). Finalists will be eligible for the "Who Wants to Be a Jordanaire?" battle of the stars, during which you'll compete for a chance to hit the lucrative impersonator circuit with Tony himself!

3. "Drug Test," 6 p.m. Sundays -- It's the show that answers the question, "Is it better burn out than to fade away?" Tune in each week as people just like you -- homemakers, college students, auto mechanics, accountants -- try to emulate the lifestyles of their favorite dead-by-overdose rock stars... without going over the edge! We supply the narcotics, our contestants supply the crapulence. Runners-up will receive an all-expenses-paid burial at Pere Lachaise Cemetery in lovely Paris, France. Winners are just lucky they're not pushing daisies. Join us each Sunday evening for a real walk on the wild side!

4. "Major Label," 9 p.m. Thursdays -- Originally titled "Greed" (prior to a lawsuit by the Fox network). Watch as two dozen rabid music fans spend six months running a major label with $100 million in the bank and a board of directors to please. Which lucky contestant will find the next Backstreet Boys? Which will squander valuable corporate resources on a six-album deal for Pavement? And which will be the ultimate winner - the mogul-to-be with the eye for radio-friendly mega-hits and the guts to allow unprofitable signings to whither on the vine, to slash bloated promotional budgets and to maximize return-on-investment for shareholders? It's must-see TV! (Rated TV-I: appropriate for children under 14; not recommended for indie fans or family pets under 65 pounds)

5. "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?," 8 p.m. Fridays -- Each week, our producers pick a lucky Midwestern household at random from the phone book, and treat them to a very special surprise - a family dinner with Johnny "Rotten" Lydon! Tune in every Wednesday as Lydon entertains his shocked hosts with bon mots including, "Fuggin' 'ell, I wouldn't feed this shite to me pet rat!" and "I didn't like the look of the WC so I did me business in the study." Winners receive harsh treatment in Lydon's next tell-all. Runners-up have their homes burned down.