1. Teachers: Robert Pollard, Robert Ray, Sting -- All of the following are certified: Robert Pollard (Guided by Voices), Robert Ray (Vulgar Boatmen), and Sting (Sting). Pollard used to teach the 4th grade, but when he was in high school he was the quarterback for the football team, so figure on him teaching health class, or more likely monitoring study hall. Ray is an English professor at the University of Florida, and an oft-published poet; extra credit for playing an instrument (an early version of his band included three of his students). Sting taught English at St. Paul's Roman Catholic School in Cramlington, England. Sting will focus heavily on symbolism and myth. Seats still available for his class.

2. Honor Students: Dexter Holland, Dean Wareham, Mick Jagger -- Here are the students that are going to ruin the curve for everyone else: Dexter Holland (Offspring), Dean Wareham (Luna), and Mick Jagger (Rolling Something). Holland is working on his Ph.D. in molecular biology at USC. Wareham graduated from Harvard (yes, that Harvard) with a degree in social studies. Jagger was in the London School of Economics and only dropped out once he made the calculation that his music career was going to be the most profitable route. He also learned that when you cancel a concert in your home country to avoid the taxes, blame it on Charlie and Ronnie, the struggling students in the back of the room.

3. Gym Class Instructor: Leonard Skinner -- Yes kids, there really is a Lynyrd Skynrd, though he spells his name a bit funny. The rock group took their name from him, their actual high school gym teacher in Gainesville, Florida. Longhairs best keep an eye out for him; Skinner will send you to detention until you cut those locks. The boys in the band knew it all too well.

4. Janitor: Alex Chilton. -- Kurt Cobain dropped out of high school only to soon return as the janitor, but he has since retired, so instead Mr. Chilton will assume the janitorial duties. Chilton's resume reportedly includes a stint as a janitor at a nightclub in New Orleans, where Peter Buck (R.E.M., University of Georgia drop-out) claims Chilton once cursed him (for spilling something?). DAA was unable to confirm the story of Chilton's janitorial stint, but we're going to make him a janitor anyway because it seems fitting for a guy who made great records and never sold any. Face it Alex, the mop fits.

5. Cafeteria Cook: Issac Hayes -- A cheat, we know, but Hayes (the original Shaft, "By the Time I Get to Phoenix") does play one on TV. Now in the lunch room ready to sell, or croon if necessary.

And if that isn't enough to make you want to enroll, take note: there is no principal at Rock `N' Roll High.

See you in home room.